Pembroke College Oxford Faces Outrage from Philosophers due to a Lack of Armchairs

Oxford University’s Pembroke College has recently come under heavy criticism from the Oxford Preservation of Philosophy Society (OPPS) after it was revealed that its new student accommodation building will not come with an armchair in each room. This cutback is done in an effort to save money. It was well known that the college has plans to declare the nickname ‘poorly-broke’ misleading and inaccurate on April, 2120. It is estimated that the savings from cutting the armchairs will bring the planned date forward to February of 2120. When asked for comments, a representative from OPPS told our reporter: ‘This outrageous omission is a symptom of the widespread lack of empathy toward philosophy students, who already face dire prospects. It carelessly marginalizes an already endangered species. While it is indeed true that the primary function of philosophy, the corruption of the youth, has been largely taken over by TikTok, Facebook, and the Chinese government in recent years, philosophy still represents an important relic of the simpler time when only an educated minority was corrupted. Without armchairs, philosophers will lose their natural habitat and might have to resort to radical changes in their migration patterns to survive, like applying to UCL, or maybe even Cambridge.’ Following the controversy, Pembroke College issued the following statement: ‘We apologize for our unfortunate mistake. We recognize our duty to preserve all endangered subjects and have taken steps to put more armchairs in the JCR, the library, and other public spaces. Furthermore, we have secured a hundred kilograms of cigar, five thousand pages of philosophy memes, and thirty litres of hemlock to help philosophers complete their natural life cycles.’